I hate starting posts that apologize for my lack of posting. It sounds just like my journal entries in High School. But this time I actually think there’s a deep-rooted reason for my blogging negligence and I want to come clean. I blog mostly about Holden and autism, and then sometimes about Fitz and the rest of my life, right? Well I think I’ve been setting myself up for an end to autism posts because in my head I’ve been curing autism in my child. And it’s true, he has made vast improvements over the last year and half. And the things he used to do, he doesn’t do anymore.
But there’s the rub: just as he’s growing out of certain autistic tendencies, others pop up in their place. Or maybe just come to light. So if I’m being honest with myself I’m disappointed that I didn’t find a magical cure for him. Because I really thought that with all the privatized ($$$) therapies we’ve explored and all our work with him – he’d cease to exhibit symptoms by age 5.
But that’s not the case. He still has major transition issues, behavior problems at home (he’s angelic at school), a terrible time with language and pragmatics, and is really quite illogical most of the time. Plus since our move, it’s even more evident how difficult big transitions are for him. His poor little body is so tense like he is physiologically in fight or fright mode all the time. We’ve tried brushing him, heavy work, hug therapy to help but it’s just really tough for him.
And I am seriously brain-tired of apologizing for his idiosyncracies in public. Like when he interrupts the dinner table with “he guys you need to stop talking and listen to me now” and then starts telling a jumbled Toad and Frog story because he wants badly to take part in the conversation but has no idea how. Or like when he tells people to “go home” who are at our house when he doesn’t think they should be. Or when he gets so emotionally distraught about the most random things.
I know it’s socially unexpected and rude and we’ve worked on this but he still does it.
And then I feel bad that I would change him if I could. Because he’s really quite fabulous the way he is. Overall he’s smart, funny, honest, and more than a little crazy…and I secretly love mad things.
So I’m going to post again without reservation or guilt about him and what we are going through because maybe there’s someone else out there who is going through it to, or who can relate on some level and we can talk about our tough days and realize it’s not the end of the world that are kids are just a little bit different :)